Yesterday was my 46th birthday. I started the day by doing a jog/walk for a mile and then going to Boot Camp. I also chose my birthday to quit smoking, yet again. But you know what? For months now, leading up to my birthday, I’ve felt nothing but dread. I would catch myself saying, “I’m old.” And just thinking about the number 46, getting that visual of the number 46 and realizing hey, that’s me, filled me with despair.
But yesterday, on my actual birthday, something surprised me. I FELT FREAKIN’ AWESOME AND GREAT all day long. I walked a little taller and felt wonderful! I was in a good mood and nothing bothered me. None of that gloom and doom visited me yesterday. Instead, it was filled with hope and determination. It was like, “Hey Carol, now it is time to start. Now get going.” Meaning, get going on that book, get going on writing, get going on living, get going on spiritual growth, get going on being healthy – all around – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I am 46 years old. I am starting to feel a little grown up now.
Anyway, I digress.
What I really came on here to write about is three words. This was inspired by another blogger from the See Jane Write community in Birmingham. Sheree of Ben Franklin Follies wrote a blog post about the power of words. She has chosen three words to inspire her throughout the upcoming year. It inspired me to do the same.
It was difficult to come up with ONLY three words. I searched and meditated for over a week. I found my first word right off the bat but the other two words didn’t come to me until early this morning, together, as a pair.
To bring out of a state of sleep. Can I get an amen?! As I started off this blog entry about my birthday, my first 46 years, I feel like I’ve been asleep. But now there is something stirring inside and it is good. It is nothing that I am bringing forth myself, consciously, but it is something that is not of my making or being or power. But it is there, within, urging me on in a quiet but confident way. I don’t know what it is but I am starting to listen. I want to wake up and live, not just exist. I want to be roused by action. I want to be the one doing my own rousing. Wake up Carol!
“To go or look through carefully in order to find something missing or lost.”
I know it says “something” and not “someone” but I can insert it here anyway because I HAVE BEEN LOST. All of my life I have lived by the seat of my pants, I shot from the hip, I reacted instead of taking the time to respond. I let my emotions lead the way. But I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead, I would like to make more of an effort to slow down and search. Like I did with this particular writing prompt. Instead of coming up with three words that very same day, I decided to take my time and sit back to meditate and let it come to me. I am also taking my time with the other writing prompts from #bloglikecrazy and I am learning a lot about myself because I have SLOWED DOWN. In slowing down, I am taking the time to search, to dig a little deeper. I am tired of living superficially. It is time to start searching a little further.
This is a big one for me. I know what a selfish and self-centered person I am. So this thought of GIVING is somewhat foreign. I mean, I know I can give give give but what I am talking about here is giving WITHOUT EXPECTATION.
I don’t know what I can give of myself but hopefully in taking the time to slow down and search, it will reveal itself. But I do want to try to give of myself. Maybe it will be giving of my words in writing. Maybe it will be giving my love freely with no conditions. Perhaps it is giving it my all at work. Or it could be as small as giving to a friend in need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a helping hand to lift them up. The point being, to get outside of myself. To give without expectation.
Recently, I volunteered to stand around and cheer on some marathoners last weekend. Sure, I helped with the setting up of the snack station and we made some signs and we cheered them on but it was the feeling I received from thinking of others instead of myself all the time that was the reward. I want to do more of that. I don’t know if I helped anyone or not but it sure did help me. Is that selfish too? I don’t know. Doing that simple act of showing up to cheer and to help others last weekend was way out of my comfort zone but it felt good to step outside of that zone for a little while. I want to try and do more of that in the future.